Big Expectations and Little Victories: Part 1

Monday night's Yoga Nidra really put a kink in my plans. My 40-day plan, that is.

For the first half of this challenge, I had done a pretty good job of putting aside my doubt and frustration, choosing my intentions at the beginning of class carefully (it is almost always "I am here for me"), and ignoring a growing sadness in my chest, a dissappointment in myself. You see, it's been a long time since I've had to learn something new and practice patience in the length of time it takes to learn something new. I grew up a dancer and for years I danced and I was good at it. I was so young when I started, I don't remember struggling to be good at it. I played a musical instrument almost my entire childhood and though I struggled sometimes, for the mostly part it came quite naturally to me. Same with the work in my adult life. When I fell into the work I have done for 12 years now, I knew it was meant for me and even with the detours I've taken, it's always been a second nature.

I feel like yoga is right for me. I have the same sense as I did as a dancer, a musician and now a fundraiser. But yoga. Yoga is a completely opposite practice of anything else I've done. It is learned differently, in ways my body and mind have never been exposed to. It is the first big life-altering thing I've done that feels right in my soul, but my body doesn't seem to follow. In other words, this learning curve is much bigger than anything else I've learned in life. It's bigger than me, bigger than life itself.

Like I've said before, we're told and we read that one person cannot achieve perfection in yoga in their lifetime. And while I love the idea of always being a student of yoga, never being bored, falling into the same mundane routine, always learning something new that is rewarding and fulfilling, I have found myself at a hard point in this practice. Yoga Nidra got in my head. It got in my HEAD. And while I realize this is the purpose of it, I couldn't have anticipated the effects of it after just one class.

My regular Tuesday beginner's series class was really tough on me. I felt off, overwhelmed, distracted. It was also the night we were taught Camel Pose (Ustrasana). The camel pose opens up the Heart Chakra and is associated with love and inner emotions (hope, fear, despair, envy, compassion, anger.) According to Lexi Yoga, camel pose results in "a rush of enporphins and a flush of emotions." I hadn't even moved into the modified, prop-supported camel pose fully when I felt a very unfamiliar and overwhelming feeling in my chest and had to pull myself out and sit in child's pose while the rest of class practiced camel pose. Intense.

In previous posts, I've written about a few emotional experiences I've had so far, such as with the gong. But what is happening right now isn't a one-time thing. It's as if there are many layers to this journey and before Yoga Nidra, I'd barely scratched the surface. Yoga Nidra peeled back a really thick layer that was hiding self-doubt, regret, fear, and dissapointment.

To be continued...

Yoga Nidra

Sunday's 108 Sun Salutation practice left me in massive pain. Sore muscles and sore other things I didn't know COULD be sore. Ouch. Lifting a glass to drink water was painful. But at the same time I felt fantastic, accomplished and I had this constant urge to do half Sun Salutations. And while that's all well and good, I knew I needed to quiet my mind and my body.

Day 15 I went to my first Yoga Nidra class. Yoga Nidra is a guided meditation done mostly while laying on the back in a prop supported Savasana. What I didn't expect, but experienced and now understand, is that Yoga Nidra is an extremely personal and private experience. So all I will say about last night's class is this:

1) I finally understand what the books and yoga teachers mean when they say yoga isn't just a physical practice; that I can be "practicing" yoga without asanas.

2) I had an amazing experience in class and look forward to going each week to deepen my Yoga Nidra practice.

I hope you are all well and taking good care of yourself. Whatever you've chosen to change in your life for 40 days and beyond, may you be supported, motivated, and loved.

Namaste.

Mala Beads

Mala beads, also called Japa Malas or Tibetan Buddist Malas, are a strand of beads often used in meditation practice.

The mala is held with gentleness and respect, generally in the left hand. One bead is counted for each recitation of the mantra, beginning with the first bead after the "guru" bead- the larger, more decorative bead at the mala's end. The first bead is held between the index finger and thumb, and with each count the thumb pulls another bead in place over the index finger.After completing a full circuit of the mala, the practitioner flips the mala around 180 degrees (this takes practice to accomplish) and continues as before, in reverse order. One aims to avoid passing over the "guru" bead, as doing so is symbolically like stepping over one's teacher.

Malas are made with 108, 27, 21 or 19 beads. They are used to count prayers or mantras. Buddhists use counters to keep track of how many times around a mala they have counted. Malas made of wood are the most common, but other popular beads are made of amethyst, lotus seed and bone.

My mala is amethyst. I chose it specifically for the stone's purpose, which is to bring detoxification to the emotional self, especially resolving issues of anger and anxiety. Amethyst is considered a master healing stone, evoking spiritual awareness as well as physical and mental healing.


My amethyst mala beads


The Tibetan Mala Shop has a lovely variety of mala beads. I look forward to ordering another strand soon, which will be the Carnelian with honeystone.