The Universe is Against Me

At least that's what it feels like.

I guess I had the expectation that starting a solid yoga/meditation practice would be smooth as silk. I am realizing very quickly that I did not factor in the emotional and physical challenges I may encounter, or that little bumps in the road which would normally occur would seem mountainous during this time of transition. As if ever a flat tire on MoPac was considered a "little bump."

This post is mostly about how body and mind are quickly (or perhaps not quickly enough) adjusting to these changes.

My sleep is affected. When I went to sleep last night, I noticed I was shaky, like when I've been really sleep deprived or have low blood sugar. I felt the same way when I woke up this morning. And although my internal alarm clock went off at 7am, I stayed in bed another half hour to give my body extra time to adjust and relax. I did my meditation and half way through tears started streaming down my face and I was overcome with sadness. This same thing happened to me last night too, when I was in the middle of doing nothing and thinking about nothing inparticular. I decided to spend the remainder of my time meditating on these feelings and by the end, I decided the emotions behind the tears and sadness felt like I was in mourning. I am familiar with the emotion and certainly with recent happenings over the last few months, I am not surprised by my need to mourn in my own way and in my own time. But what I think is actually happening is that my subconscious mind is taking this opportunity to "detox", if you will, all of the stuff I've stored there and not yet dealt with. And I'm convinced that the physical stuff I'm experiencing (shaking and fatigue) are side effects of the emotional dumping my subconscious mind (or my second mind) is doing.

We read that yoga is really so much more than the physical Asanas. There is a spiritual-emotional component which is bigger that the sum of all other parts of yoga and to understand its affect before we experience it is impossible. It is why when during this new practice of yoga and meditation everything seems bigger, badder, and more complicated than it really is, that our bodies begin to detox not only the toxicity of our physical self, but also our emotional self.

My biggest lesson today is this: When I wake up shaky, cry during meditation, change my outfit three times, and have a flat tire on MoPac: even though it feels like it, the universe is actually NOT against me. It's there saying "I'm here to support you when everything seems mountainous. You'll never be met with more than you can handle. In the end, you'll be stronger."

And to the Universe I say, "Thanks for being there for me, Universe. But I'm pretty sure you could have gotten your point across without the flat tire."

Namaste.